Sunday, 16 August 2009

Step 2

Right well I'm not sure this blogging malarky is really for me as I completely forgot to do it the last few days...in fact I can't even remember when I last wrote in it! oh well, I shall try and keep it up!

I have decided that dwelling on the reasons I hate myself is not productive in the slightest and just depresses me more! So I'm just going to write whatever's on my mind at the point in time and see if anything interesting comes out (probably not!)

This week I went out with some girls who are good friends with my best friend. She has recently had a baby so isn't going out much and I've hardly seen her at all, but it's nice that there are people around who will take me under their wing and let me join in their group and stuff, hopefully it will become a more regular thing!

Bah, I'm boring myself with this blog...I need inspiration! I may come back and write more later. Maybe this will spur me on to make my life more interesting, just so I don't sound like a complete dullard when I write this! I shall go and book my trip round the world right now...

Saturday, 8 August 2009

An Introduction

So, I just read over what I typed yesterday and realise that my first post was pretty miserable and hasn't really explained about me. To be honest I don't really know what to say about myself, so maybe going through the points I made yesterday like I said I would would be the best way.

The reason I had for hating myself was "I have no self discipline"
Is this really true? YES. sort of. I try to be self disciplined...I come up with plans and timetables and ideas...but then get carried away doing something pointless (probably like writing this blog!) and then never get round to following my plan. I'm also pretty impressionable. Like once, I decided I was not going to drink, but went out with my friends who were drinking and everyone else was drunk, so i got drunk. REALLY drunk...not a good night. But anyway; I need to come up with a way of trying to get better. Which to be honest is going to take all my self discpline to do! Here I am saying I'm crap at following a plan, and what am I trying to do?! Make a plan.

I tell myself to do stuff on a daily basis...get out of bed, go for a run, make an effort to make friends. But I practically never do them. I don't do them because they take effort, and are out of my comfort zone. Everyone does it to a certain extent I guess, but the only way I can think of stopping this, is having a set routine, a plan, and following exactly every day as much as I possibly can.

That way as well I won't waste so much of my life. As long as I know exactly what I want to do when and actually do it!

Bah I don't really know what to write now, maybe blogging is not for me, as this doesn't seem to make much sense. I need to go to bed so I can start afresh tomorrow. Get up early, go for a run, go to work, make friends! haha. I'll try...and report back tomorrow on how it went!

Friday, 7 August 2009

Where to start? (35 reasons)

So, here I am.

I've never written a blog before. Not really anyway; just the usual "Today I went to the beach, it was fun!" type blog. But I've been reading Christa Black's blog and she has inspired me to write my own and hopefully sort my thoughts out. To be honest I'll be surprised if any body actually reads this other than me.

Today I found a note I had written to myself dated 14 March 08 titled "35 Reasons I Hate Myself" I was not in a good place right then. I still get into moods like that when I think about why I hate myself, but I am much happier now. However, reading over that list made me realise even though I am generally happier with myself now, those 35 reasons are still in the back of my head, and I have done absolutely nothing to change them. Maybe that would be the best way to get over it. If I have 35 points I don't like myself, surely the best way to be happy is to find ways to change each of those points. And if I can't change them, find a reason why that point is a good thing rather than completely negative.

If I write down those reasons here, I'll try and do that for one point each day.

35 Reasons I hate (hated) Myself
  1. I have no self discipline
  2. I crave attention
  3. I am immature
  4. I am a bitch
  5. I have lost my good friends
  6. I mess up every good thing going for me
  7. I have no will power
  8. I need someone
  9. I need to be needed
  10. I cannot be "just friends"
  11. I am selfish
  12. I am unorganised and untidy
  13. I take people for granted
  14. I cannot stand up for myself
  15. I cannot be myself
  16. I am lazy
  17. I've given up everything I've had the potential to be good at
  18. I give up too easily
  19. I don't care
  20. The smell of smoke is driving me CRAZY!
  21. I am way to cynical
  22. I obsess about things too much
  23. I think about sex too much
  24. I've wasted my life
  25. I don't take chances
  26. I am too shy
  27. I am slow
  28. I am too polite for my own good sometimes
  29. But sometimes too rude
  30. I always want what I can't have
  31. I don't know what I really want
  32. I don't do what I want and then I stress about it
  33. I regret stupid stuff
  34. I contemplate suicide
  35. F*ck it All.

Pretty miserable list to be honest...but just by going through it I can see things are better anyway already. (It is 17 months later) And I can see how to make a lot of these better already :D Bring on the future!